


I will find you (no matter what)

by Crispypotatos



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Fill-in the holes, I'm sorry that this is sad I apologize now, M/M, No Beta, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, Pre-Episode: s15e19 Inherit the Earth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 16:28:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29404812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crispypotatos/pseuds/Crispypotatos
Summary: Dean Winchester has just lost the love of his life.  He is in despair and needs to work through it.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8
Collections: Their Love Was Real: a Destiel & Saileen Fanworks Challenge





	I will find you (no matter what)

“I love you.” 

Silence. 

“Goodbye, Dean.” A smile.

Tears.

Nothing existed anymore. Everything was empty. 

His tears fell freely. His chest heaved. His head spun. 

His cellphone rang.

He didn’t hear it.

Dean wasn’t there anymore. Dean was,

Gone.

Empty. Lost.

Without Cas.

Heartbroken?

Regretful.

Disappointed.

_ I love you Cas. I hope you know that. _ He thought. 

“I love you,” he whispered, lips barely parting. Words catching in his mouth, barely getting out, his mouth was sandpaper. 

His head hurt. It stung. His neck was sore. Cas could fix it, he was good at ma-.  _ Was _ . It was, was now. 

His phone rang again. Once again, Dean did not answer. 

The silence was infinite.

The silence was pain.

The silence was the answer.

The silence was peace. 

_ Cas _ , his heart cried at random intervals.  _ I love you. Come back home, we- we. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. We were supposed to defeat Chuck and sit on the beach. Margaritas. Toes in the sand. Sandcastles. Hawaiian-print shirts. We were supposed to be happy. _

But now.

That didn’t exist. 

And it wouldn’t, they wouldn’t, they couldn’t explore any possibilities. 

Dean wanted to go back.

Go back to the days when they were happy. But they were never happy, were they? Not truly. 

Not since Cas had taken that deal.

Not since Mom- Mary, had died. 

Not since Chuck had come back. Not since he learned he was just a hamster in a wheel. Not since the angels had fallen.

Not since- ever, never, he had never been happy. Not really. There had been glimpses but he had never gotten peace.

That’s all Dean wanted.

To say, “I love you.” To say, “I like boys too.” To have John accept him. To have Cas love him back. To have his family together, 

He clumsily took a step to a standing position. Grasping for the bookshelf in front of him, pulling himself out of the room. Into the hallway, along the walls, barely staying upright until he made it to his room.

A trenchcoat still sprawled out on his bed.

Cas’s favorite. 

The one Dean always laughed at him about. 

_ ‘Who keeps two trenchcoats? Let alone one? Cas, let me take you shopping.’ _ Which was always been met with a  _ ‘Dean. I am an angel; I don’t need other clothes. I just keep these clean.’  _ Which was followed by  _ ‘Cas, just let him.’  _ From Sam. Jack always tagged along on those trips, asking millions of questions, and somehow always convincing them to get ice cream afterward. 

It was all he had left.

Dean didn’t have the owner anymore.

Just the coat.

He stepped forward into the room and gathered into his arms. Without thinking, without memory, he ended up back in the room where Cas had been taken. 

His tears falling into the coat.

Curled up in a ball.

Ignoring Sam’s calls.

And sobbing.

Sobbing.

Weeping.

Bawling.

Howling.

Take your pick. Dean was doing it. For once, not caring about how loud his tears were. Screaming. Voice-breaking as his words fought to slip out of his mouth. He was empty.

“I love you Cas. I love you. I shoulda said it. I shoulda. Why didn’t I?” Could be heard throughout the night. Never a full sentence. Just fragments falling out whenever he thought of them. 

The phone rang at some point during the night.

Dean checked it. 

It was, 9 am. Nine a.m. Hours after- hours after, hours, hours after Cas’s departure. 

**_Chuck_ ** .

**_How did he forget about Chuck?_ **

**_Chuck was still out there._ **

**_Shit. Shit. Shit, please let Sam and Jack be alright. And Charlie, Jody, Donna- Claire. Claire, how was Dean going to tell her Cas was gone, she had already lost her Dad but now. Now, her dad was truly gone. She would never see him again._ **

Dean answered the call for the first time, “Sam?”

“Dean! Why didn’t you answer?”

“Cas and I were busy. Where are you?”

“Hastings still, you two get your asses down here. I have to tell you something.”

“Sure bitch.”

“Jerk.”

Dean hung up the phone. Enough mourning. At least for now, right now he had the world to take care of. 

Right now he needs to be who Cas thinks he is.

He has to keep going.

He has to keep loving. 

And he will.

_ Maybe _ .  _ Maybe,  _ he can get Cas back. Or he’ll die trying. He would do everything in his power to say, “I love you,” back. It’s what Cas deserved.

Dean would have said it in purgatory but Cas had stopped him. It made sense now, Cas would’ve been happy.

And it would’ve been less time. 

Less time to defeat Chuck.

Less manpower.

Less everything (fewer brains too but Dean wasn’t going to admit that).

Outside the bunker, Baby was waiting. In the same place, he had left her. The tarp in place, the tarp Cas had complained about, and quote, “Dean. Your Baby won’t be outside for  _ that  _ long. She can survive in the air for one night.” That sentence had earned him an ‘accidental’ wack.

Dean pulled out his keys. Shakily sat at the wheel and reached to put a tape into the tape deck. Actually, no, he didn’t. For once he rode in silence. Listening to the ghosts of the music he gave to Cas.

_ “You taught me the courage of stars before you left.” _

Dean remembered Cas’s speech.

“ _ How light carries on endlessly, even after death.” _

Cas was an angel. An angel was light. Cas was light.

He continued mumbling the lyrics to the song. 

“Cas I’ll find you.”

Baby rumbled along the road. Each mile as she grew closer, Dean felt uneasy. Would he be happy or sad? Would he don his mask or let it fall? It was always a toss-up. He never had full control of his emotions which could be good or bad. This time, he hoped it was a mix. A mix of happy and sad. The balance between light and dark. 

Before he knew it, he was in Hastings. There was no hiding. There was only the truth. 

Sam would have to find out.

And Jack, Jack he was about to find out his Dad was dead.

Dean couldn’t do it,  _ he couldn’t _ , this was too much. No. No, it wasn’t. Dean could do this. He could do it. Cas would want him too. 

As Baby rumbled to a stop in front of the silo, he took a few deep breaths. Conceal, don’t feel. He gripped the steering wheel tighter and then jerked the keys out of the ignition. Without thinking he exited the car. 

“Dean- wheres’s Cas?” Jack.

Sam was silent for once, bless the moose.

“He’s gone. Billie came after us so he called the empty, it took both of them.”  _ And he did it for me. He said I love you. And I never got to say it back. _

Sam stepped forward and engulfed Dean in a hug. Jack’s face crumpled from where he stood on the side, but, he didn’t look surprised.

‘I love you, Cas,” Dean thought one last time, “I love you.”

And with that, he gained his center and went into hunter mode.

It was time to defeat Chuck.

If all went well.

Cas would be saved.

**The End**


End file.
